I sit here, at my computer, asking myself and God, if I really want to blog about this. I have gone back and forth about it for many reasons. The main reason, fear of the well intended comments from people who have never been through what my family and I have been going through, that leave me angry or hurt. However, over the last couple days, I have been reminded of the number one feedback I get from those who follow this blog: Misty, thank you for being so transparent. Yes, there are some things, struggles and joys, I have no problem speaking about; but, like most of us, I do still have stories that I keep hidden that I hope some day, I will have the courage to share. So for now, here is one of my stories….
November 30, 2016. I was not feeling like myself. I was fatigued and extra emotional. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days prior and it was negative, but I just knew something wasn’t right. So, I took another….and it was positive. I experienced a brief moment of joy. My husband and I had been through some rough battles over the last few years. I knelt down crying, and praised God for giving me this blessing; which is something I had never done in previous pregnancies.
I say my joy was short lived, because as I was praising, a fear like I had never felt consumed me. I immediately was scared that this pregnancy was not viable. I called my husband and asked him to come home…I wouldn’t tell him why. I then called my sister and told her my fears. You see, in part, I felt maybe this fear was because in December of 2009, we had suffered a loss, and this felt like deja vu. My sister put me at ease, for a moment, and I attempted to set aside my worries and find the joy in adding to our family. I also reached out to my pastor and some of my Bible study girls, to pray for my family. This was also something I did not do during our first miscarriage.
I told a few close friends and some family, and I felt more at ease the more we planned and talked about our excitement. The fear, would always creep back when I was alone. I am not talking about a fear of ‘what if’…it was a fear of knowing. My doctor saw me earlier than expected, and everything looked good, until three days later. I had started to spot and phoned my doctor. They thought it was related to my exam, but to put me at ease, scheduled an ultrasound the following week. This spotting started, 7 years to the day, that we lost our first baby.
My ultrasound, was not promising. I was told that they wanted to see me back in a week. That there was a slim possibility that the pregnancy was too early; but, to prepare myself to miscarry. A few days went by, then I received a call from my doctor’s office that they wanted me to go have blood work done to see where my hcg levels were at (pregnancy hormone) and recheck again two days later. During that time, my spotting stopped, and my hcg levels were high and increasing….this was a great sign. I went back for my second ultrasound and had great news. I was continuing to grow and everything looked good and healthy. I also, had not had any miscarriage symptoms in 12 days. My doctor now said we can be “cautiously optimistic”. So, once again, I was scheduled for another ultrasound the following week. My pregnancy symptoms started to increase big time. I actually started to relax more and thought maybe I will get what I want…
My 3rd ultrasound showed some growth and a yolk sac; but, by this time, they were hoping to see a baby.
The “cautiously optimistic” turned the opposite direction. I was going through mental, emotional, and physical hell…..torture. This roller coaster was almost too much; and I began to play the blame game. I started blaming myself. I started allowing the thoughts that I was being punished for things I had done and that I was not worthy of this blessing.
They wanted a fourth ultrasound and it was scheduled the following week. Now, this all started on November 30th… we went through the entire Christmas holiday with family and friends who did not know what we were going through. We put on the fake smiles and Christmas cheer, but deep down, I felt like I was dying. I was numb…the only emotion that made me feel alive was anger. Sometimes that anger turned to rage.
My ultrasound was scheduled for January 5th. Shortly after ringing in the New Year, I started spotting again. I knew it had started. I went to my ultrasound on the 5th, and it was confirmed. No heart beat was detected and my gestational sac had already started to collapse.
I was told that we had had a fighter and that the mommy had been fighting just as hard. I think that broke me, because I knew that was true. My options were then given to me…
I sit here now in the same clothes I have worn the last 3 days. I have not showered in probably 2. I have chosen to allow my body to do what it was designed to do, and this weekend has been emotional and painful. My husband has done everything in his power to help me through this. I see the pain in his eyes but he refuses to break down. My oldest son, knows what has happened. That was not our intent, but he is a smart young man, and asked if mommy had cancer, so we had a heart to heart. I never knew the amount of strength a 9 year old can have.
My family has been blessed with friends who have provided food, laughs, and messages to just check in. We also had so many people praying for us; and God did answer. His answer was no, but He did answer.
I don’t believe that “Everything happens for a reason.” I stopped believing that in December of 2009. I don’t believe that I worship a God that chooses to have someone die in a car accident, shot by their partner, or die in a mother’s womb. I believe He has the power to allow nature to take it’s course or not. I can not pretend to understand His reasoning because we are not meant to. I could blame God, but that will only leave me with bitterness and anger. I believe that God has been preparing me for this loss the very day I saw that double line.
I have had these two scriptures on repeat over the last month:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9
I have a follow up tomorrow to see if my body has done what it was supposed to do. If not, I may need surgery at the end of the week. So this journey isn’t completely over.
Miscarriage is not something that is easy for women to talk about. I have experienced feelings of shame, unworthiness, anger, pain, incredible sadness, void of emotions, numbness. Losing a baby is something a woman will never forget. It does not matter how many children she already has, how young she is, or that she has more time to try. It does not matter how far along she was… we experience an immediate bond when we see that double line. I wanted to share my story because I needed to give my emotions a voice. I also know that I am not alone and that many women have experienced this great loss and yet we are scared to talk about it.
My advice to those who have never gone through this: just be there. Not for advice or opinions… but to be the shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, or the arms to hold when hope seems so far away.
By His grace,