I was on cloud nine…I finally had a boyfriend who treated me like gold. He catered to me and would compliment me daily. My friends were surprised by the relationship. He just was not the type of guy I usually dated. We both had parents who were divorced, but he did not have a relationship with his dad or very many friends. He became very close to my family and we became inseparable.
I had stopped attending church and youth group. I had shown up for try out practice to start cheering again, but bailed on the day of tryouts. (My mom and my coach were not happy. I remember being pulled from class asking why I didn’t try out.) I had tossed my goals and dreams out the window. I had someone who finally loved me and told me he would never leave me. I stopped making plans and spending time with friends. We talked everyday on the phone or I was over at his house. Snow days didn’t stop us from seeing each other, and whatever he had going on came first…even over my own family.
So you can only imagine what happened the day I was given a letter he had written another girl. He had made plans to see her while I was attending my older sister’s wedding. He denied it and left school during lunch. I followed him to his house and broke up with him. I knew I needed to get back to school. He had went inside and came out with his gun. He said he couldn’t live his life without me; and as I was pulling out of his driveway, I heard the gun go off.
I remember jumping out of my car and screaming his name over and over. He wasn’t answering me and I was terrified. All I could see were his legs, and once I was close enough, he finally answered me. I was angry and went to leave again as he shot off his gun. I called our moms. He was threatening to commit suicide because he couldn’t live without me. He had me. He knew my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and he had me convinced that it would kill him if I ever left him.
The relationship spiraled from there in so many ways. The plus side, he was going to graduate and had started taking care of himself. The down side, we broke up constantly. You know… the whole ‘I thought I could change him’… well he changed, along with his ego. Despite all of it, during winter break of my senior year, he proposed. We started planning for our future after high school, and I bought my wedding dress. I had already started college during my senior year. I had been accepted into Ivy Tech School of Nursing for that coming fall and was taking some of my prerequisites.
I had the opportunity to go to Mexico for a month after graduation. The week before I left, we had broken up again. By this time, my mom had seen enough red flags that she had stopped supporting the relationship. She no longer trusted him, and was concerned with how I had withdrawn from my family and friends. He still saw me off and we had agreed to email each other while I was away. There was silence the entire time I was gone. My emails from my mom included some rumors of some trouble he was getting into and she wanted me to not contact him anymore.
I returned home to find out that the rumors were all true. I was supposed to leave to go camping with him the week after I returned. The day we were supposed to leave, we had gotten into a huge fight. He had become so good at lying, that I think he may have believed his own lies. I told him I wasn’t going to go and tried to leave his house. He kept blocking the doors. I managed to get around him, but he caught me and I started to struggle. I was able to get one arm free, and I elbowed him as hard as I could so he would release me. He did for a brief second, and then the hit came across my face. I stood there in complete shock. My face was on fire. I ran out the door, and called my mom. He had followed me out into the yard and was blocking me from getting inside my car. I kept trying to push him away, but he shoved me to the ground, and kept doing that until his mom finally saw what was happening. My parents took me to file a police report. Unfortunately, there was nothing the police could do. It was a matter of he said/she said, but I was advised by the officer to stay away from him. He knew the name quite well.
I did stay away….for a couple of weeks. I almost cost myself my entire future when I decided to move in with him. I remember the night I told my parents, my dad and stepdad meeting him down the road to confront him, and my dad driving me to drop me off. I was given an ultimatum after a couple weeks. I either come home, or my college would not be paid for… so I went home.
Some of you may be wondering why I shared so much about a couple relationships I had in high school. I share them because they shaped my idea of what a relationship looked like. I share them because I have learned that if you don’t confront the pieces of you that are broken, if you continue to put bandaid after bandaid on your wounds…you will never heal. Those deep wounds have a way of seeping into each relationship you have in life.
“…if you don’t confront the pieces of you that are broken,
if you continue to put bandaid after bandaid on your wounds…
you will never heal.”
Shortly before I started nursing school that fall, I met my angel…
Jason walked into my life…
By His grace,