I sit here, at my computer, asking myself and God, if I really want to blog about this. I have gone back and forth about it for many reasons. The main reason, fear of the well intended comments from people who have never been through what my family and I have been going through, that leave me angry or hurt. However, over the last couple days, I have been reminded of the number one feedback I get from those who follow this blog: Misty, thank you for being so transparent. Yes, there are some things, struggles and joys, I have no problem speaking about; but, like most of us, I do still have stories that I keep hidden that I hope some day, I will have the courage to share. So for now, here is one of my stories….

November 30, 2016. I was not feeling like myself. I was fatigued and extra emotional. I had taken a pregnancy test a few days prior and it  was negative, but I just knew something wasn’t right. So, I took another….and it was positive. I experienced a brief moment of joy. My husband and I had been through some rough battles over the last few years.  I  knelt down crying, and praised God for giving me this blessing; which is something I had never done in previous pregnancies.

I say my joy was short lived, because as I was praising, a fear like I had never felt consumed me. I immediately was scared that this pregnancy was not viable. I called my husband and asked him to come home…I wouldn’t tell him why. I then called my sister and told her my fears. You see, in part, I felt maybe this fear was because in December of 2009, we had suffered a loss, and this felt like deja vu. My sister put me at ease, for a moment, and I attempted to set aside my worries and find the joy in adding to our family. I also reached out to my pastor and some of my Bible study girls, to pray for my family. This was also something I did not do during our first miscarriage.

I told a few close friends and some family, and I felt more at ease the more we planned and talked about our excitement. The fear, would always creep back when I was alone. I am not talking about a fear of ‘what if’…it was a fear of knowing. My doctor saw me earlier than expected, and everything looked good, until three days later. I had started to spot and phoned my doctor. They thought it was related to my exam, but to put me at ease, scheduled an ultrasound the following week. This spotting started, 7 years to the day, that we lost our first baby.

My ultrasound, was not promising. I was told that they wanted to see me back in a week. That there was a slim possibility that the pregnancy was too early; but, to prepare myself to miscarry. A few days went by, then I received a call from my doctor’s office that they wanted me to go have blood work done to see where my hcg levels were at (pregnancy hormone) and recheck again two days later. During that time, my spotting stopped, and my hcg levels were high and increasing….this was a great sign. I went back for my second ultrasound and had great news. I was continuing to grow and everything looked good and healthy. I also, had not had any miscarriage symptoms in 12 days. My doctor now said we can be “cautiously optimistic”.  So, once again, I was scheduled for another ultrasound the following week. My pregnancy symptoms started to increase big time. I actually started to relax more and thought maybe I will get what I want…

My 3rd ultrasound showed some growth and a yolk sac; but, by this time, they were hoping to see a baby.

The “cautiously optimistic” turned the opposite direction. I was going through mental, emotional, and physical hell…..torture. This roller coaster was almost too much; and I began to play the blame game. I started blaming myself. I started allowing the thoughts that I was being punished for things I had done and that I was not worthy of this blessing.

They wanted a fourth ultrasound and it was scheduled the following week. Now, this all started on November 30th… we went through the entire Christmas holiday with family and friends who did not know what we were going through. We put on the fake smiles and Christmas cheer, but deep down, I felt like I was dying. I was numb…the only emotion that made me feel alive was anger. Sometimes that anger turned to rage.

My ultrasound was scheduled for January 5th. Shortly after ringing in the New Year, I started spotting again. I knew it had started. I went to my ultrasound on the 5th, and it was confirmed. No heart beat was detected and my gestational sac had already started to collapse.

I was told that we had had a fighter and that the mommy had been fighting just as hard. I think that broke me, because I knew that was true.  My options were then given to me…

I sit here now in the same clothes I have worn the last 3 days. I have not showered in probably 2. I have chosen to allow my body to do what it was designed to do, and this weekend has been emotional and painful. My husband has done everything in his power to help me through this. I see the pain in his eyes but he refuses to break down. My oldest son, knows what has happened. That was not our intent, but he is a smart young man, and asked if mommy had cancer, so we had a heart to heart. I never knew the amount of strength a 9 year old can have.

My family has been blessed with friends who have provided food, laughs, and messages to just check in. We also had so many people praying for us; and God did answer. His answer was no, but He did answer.

I don’t believe that “Everything happens for a reason.” I stopped believing that in December of 2009. I don’t believe that I worship a God that chooses to have someone die in a car accident, shot by their partner, or die in a mother’s womb. I believe He has the power to allow nature to take it’s course or not. I can not pretend to understand His reasoning because we are not meant to. I could blame God, but that will only leave me with bitterness and anger. I believe that God has been preparing me for this loss the very day I saw that double line.

I have had these two scriptures on repeat over the last month:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. -Isaiah 55:8-9

I have a follow up tomorrow to see if my body has done what it was supposed to do. If not, I may need surgery at the end of the week. So this journey isn’t completely over.

Miscarriage is not something that is easy for women to talk about. I have experienced feelings of shame, unworthiness, anger, pain,  incredible sadness, void of emotions, numbness. Losing a baby is something a woman will never forget. It does not matter how many children she already has, how young she is, or that she has more time to try. It does not matter how far along she was… we experience an immediate bond when we see that double line. I wanted to share my story because I needed to give my emotions a voice. I also know that I am not alone and that many women have experienced this great loss and yet we are scared to talk about it.

My advice to those who have never gone through this: just be there. Not for advice or opinions… but to be the shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, or the arms to hold when hope seems so far away.  

By His grace,

Misty

12-9-09

1-1-17

Time for me to get real! So real, in fact, that I am posting this silly picture of me after spending 20 minutes on the elliptical; or what I like to call, one of my “Giants”.

I am coming from my own perspective today, and I am a woman, so…. ladies listen close!

Growing up, I never struggled with my weight. I was active in dance, cheerleading, and gymnastics and could eat pretty much whatever I wanted. It was not until I graduated high school and was wrapping up college that I realized I was putting on some weight. I don’t care about the “freshman 20…or 30”, or even how “happy” relationships cause you to put on weight. Although I could use those excuses, I am not going to. My weight gain was purely because I became less active but still thought I could eat anything I wanted…(ok, and maybe because I love pizza and beer…give me some grace here girls)

So here I am, already putting on the pounds and I have baby number one. I became 100% motivated after having my firstborn. My mom and I became weight watcher buddies and I dropped significant weight. I felt great and managed to keep most of the weight off for some time…. then came baby number 2. I was doing ‘ok’ with my weight but ever so slowly the scale started creeping back up. I was not happy in my job. I was never one of those mommy’s that ever became ok with going back to work, and adding on the stresses of my job, which then trickled into my marriage…. lets just say food became my close friend.

I am an emotional eater…happy, sad, angry…you name the emotion and I will celebrate or sulk with it in my food.

Finally, after an ankle injury and surgery (pounds kept adding up), my husband was blessed with a pay raise, and we were finally able to reach one of our goals: I became a SAHM! I was introduced to a clean eating program and workout regimen and was starting to get back in the groove. I made it a few months, lost weight, increased muscle mass, felt fantastic and then the holidays hit me with a vengeance. I quit after that.

I found that when I was motivated to exercise is when my children needed me. I vowed to get up before my family and get it in, but my husband had to pick up a part time job and if I wanted to see him, I would stay up late…I needed that extra hour sleep. My favorite excuse… I have been non stop helping out everyone else, I deserve some chips and queso and to do nothing else but veg out watching the Hallmark channel. (So incredibly hard not to do this time of year!!!)

I shared a glimpse of my back story to now tell you this. I read this from a well known book, and it is finally starting to stick to my heart:

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19

I have read this scripture so many times and for different reasons. Today, it was time to get real. I am a stubborn woman without question. I seem to make a game out of what I can and can not control; and I have always felt that I can eat and drink whatever I want because it is MY body. I dug deeper into this great Book:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. – Psalm 139:13-16

How am I taking ownership over something I did not create? Not only that, why have I spent so much time picking apart what the Lord has made? “I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful…”

Now, here I sit today. I joined an accountability group, started my clean eating again, and even got in some exercise today. (Although that elliptical is my giant…it will not defeat me) I know there will be times I slip up and have that extra helping or not get that work out in. That is ok. My motivation has become something much deeper. I want to honor God not only with my actions and words, but with a healthy body.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. – 2 Corinthians 4:16

By His grace

Misty

 

The boy’s finally decided on what they wanted to be for Halloween (after several mind changes), the costumes were bought, and trick-or-treating was done. The boys (and parents) fell into a sugar coma, and the next morning we woke up to….. Christmas? It was like over night the magical elves took over all retail stores and campaign ads turned to toy ads galore! We had completely skipped over Thanksgiving.

I usually start November with my ‘thankful’ posts on FB but just didn’t feel like participating in that this year. What I did do, which is shocking even to myself, is start Christmas shopping. I have fully gotten into the Christmas cheer… Hallmark channel has been on pretty much non-stop…. Christmas decor has been purchased… and our family Christmas bucket list has started to take shape.

I thought that maybe I will use my blog to give thanks for what has been given to me:

I am thankful for date nights. A time for my husband and I to reconnect as husband and wife. I time to laugh, a time to talk, or a time to just sit in each other’s presence without being interrupted.

I am thankful for my children. I learn something new each day from these two. I am blessed with their unique personalities, their love for each other. I am thankful for the moments when they just want their mommy and for the moments I just want some quiet!!

I am thankful for old memories. The ones that were difficult and heartbreaking; and those that taught me about love, kindness, and friendship.

I am thankful for new memories and for friendships that last a life time.

I am thankful for new friendships. I am thankful that God has placed women in my life that have been uplifting and have a heart for Jesus.

I am thankful for my family. I am blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally, and an extended family, that despite my many shortcomings, wouldn’t have me any other way.

 

It has been through a recent Bible study and a few sermons (shout out to Pastor Roy :p) that I have realized that the merge of Thanksgiving and Christmas makes complete sense to me.

I have so many things and people to be thankful for because of  Jesus. What better way to celebrate Thanksgiving than to give thanks to the Lord for His Son, who through Him we have everlasting life? What better way to prepare our hearts as we remember His birth?

‘Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks to the Holy One, give thanks because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son.’  (song titled Give Thanks)

So I’m going to start taking a different approach and way of thinking when it comes to this holiday season; instead of complaining of how Christmas is pushed upon me, I’m going to start taking the time to give thanks to the Lord for all He has given me…. especially, the greatest Gift of All, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

By His grace,

Misty