Tag: #parenting

Parenting Through Divorce

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Divorce is hard and messy. A couple that loved each other very much at one time can turn into two ugly monsters that border the line of disdain and even hate. Add children to that recipe and that monster will eventually infect them. It will cause confusion, hurt, anger, depression, doubt, and will shape who they become.

I have experience in both of these areas. I come from a divorced family, and I am currently going through a divorce myself. Our two boys have had to walk through a life that has been turned upside down. It was a struggle at first. Bitterness, resentment, disrespect, rage… it was all consuming early on in my separation, and it greatly affected our children. But, somehow, the tides started to change.

We started putting our own feelings aside and instead put our boys feelings first. We began to co-parent effectively and respectfully. Our boys were able to see that even though their parents were no longer together, they still loved them very much and would do whatever it took to still be a united front for them. Was it easy? Absolutely not. It definitely took some trial and error, grace, and lots of forgiveness. Is it still perfect? No, and it may never be. However, that doesn’t stop us from trying every day to do what is in the best interest of our boys together.

Some of you may have had a similar experience, but I also know some of you have not. So, I want to share some wisdom and advice. I’m not a psychologist by any means, but I am a mom working through navigating my children through this trial and have witnessed the other side of when parents are toxic toward one another. So lets begin..

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.

Psalm 127:3 (GNB)

Children are a gift from the Lord. Think back to the day where you first held your child in your arms. The feeling of unconditional love that washed over you, and the vow that you would let nothing ever harm him or her as long as you lived. Do you remember that special day?

Now ask yourself… are you protecting your children from harm if you and your ex are constantly at battle? That may be a difficult truth to swallow. You might be even trying to justify your reasons right now as you read this, but I ask you to really stop and ponder this question.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:15 (ESV)

If your goal is to always be right then you will never get anywhere with your communication. You will be too busy planning your next move and not enough time listening. This style of communication is a perfect storm for reasoning and compromise to go straight out the door. My advice is to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry ( James 1:19). Make sure your intention is coming from the right place and not your own selfish ego or your desire to hurt the other person.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (GNB)

Leave the past in the past because it can not be changed. I found that alot of the bitterness and anger I had was from the past hurts from my marriage itself. Words were shared that literally cut to my very core and I was also guilty of it too. My tongue was sharp, and I have significant remorse for it. It is difficult to swallow your pride and to stop pointing fingers. It is difficult to put someone else’s needs before your own especially someone that you haven’t forgiven. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us that we are to forgive. We are to get rid of all those ugly feelings towards the other person and make the choice to be kind and sensitive to them. We must be willing to forgive and remember that we all have sinned, are far from perfect, and yet, He forgives us.

The above pictures were taken at our son’s birthday. We all were together. We all took pictures together. This is what’s best for children. This is how children continue to thrive.

Stop the hate, stop the battles, stop the revenge. Forgive one another and parent together your precious children.

If we say we love God, but hate others, we are liars. For we cannot love God, whom we have not seen, if we do not love others, whom we have seen.

1 John 4:20

Messy blessings,

Misty

A Letter to My Son

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I still remember praying for you to enter my life. I waited over a year to see that positive sign letting me know that I was carrying you. I can recall the immeasurable joy I felt the day you came into this world, and I was able to hold you for the first time.

The first few weeks were not easy. I was thankful for your Grandma Ruth who decided to stay that first week. The first night home, you cried the entire night. I will never forget the soft knock on the bedroom door early the next morning. Grandma Ruth was standing there. I was crying and saying how you didn’t sleep at all that night. She replied in a soft and understanding voice, “Give him to me and go sleep.” That is exactly what I did. She showered your dad and I with wisdom that first week and looking back, I believe her calming presence gave me reassurance that I could do this whole mommy thing.

Now here we are, thirteen years later, and I am asking myself, “How has it gone so fast?”

You are a special young man, Noah. From an early age, you exhibited compassion, empathy, and kindness toward others. You have always had this inner wisdom of who God is and have demonstrated through your actions that you do listen to His soft whisper of how you should live your life.

I want to share with you some bits of wisdom as you enter your teenage years. The first being that I know you may find this post embarrassing and may even feel that my wisdom doesn’t apply to you. I know this because I thought the same thing when my parents had this talk. Trust me when I say that there will come a day that you will say, ‘my parents were right’.

The next few are important, so listen up.

  • Seek God. You will be faced with many choices as you navigate your teenage years. Before you make any decision, seek God’s guidance first.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:5-6
  • Do not let others define who you are. You were born with your own strengths and weaknesses. You were meant to be different from others around you, and that is absolutely ok. Never squash your uniqueness in order to be like someone else.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared before hand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10
  • Lead by example. You will be challenged to follow the crowd. Your friends may choose different paths, and deep down you may be torn to follow them or choose to remain true to who you are. Dear Noah, you are a leader and not a follower. Always remember that.

Get the word out. Teach all these things. And don’t let anyone put you down because you are young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity.

1 Timothy 4: 11 (Msg)
  • It is ok that not everyone likes you. That’s right…you will have people who don’t like you. It will seem unfair and it will hurt your feelings. They may not even try to get to know you and you probably won’t understand why. Don’t waste your time on the opinions of others. Stay true to yourself and know that their opinions of you are their issues and not yours.

The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God will protect you from that.

Proverbs 29:25 (Msg)
  • Choose your circle wisely. People change and grow. That is a part of life. You may find that you and some friends will grow apart and although that may seem hard, that also allows room to make new friends. My word of caution is to choose wisely, Noah. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. Surround yourself with those you can trust and who encourage you.

Wise friends make you wise. But you hurt yourself by going around with fools.

Proverbs 13:20
  • Talk to your dad and I. This will be the hardest advice to follow. You will feel invincible and that you know more than we do, BUT…. you don’t. I want you to know that no matter the problem you have, even if you feel it is due to a bad choice you make, that you can always come to us. We love you unconditionally, which means that there is NOTHING you can do to make us love you any less. That does not mean that there may not be consequences, but it does mean that we will not leave you to work through it alone. We will encourage you and help guide you back on the right path.

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture…None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us.

Romans 8: 38-39 (Msg)

Lastly, Noah… Have fun!! Enjoy this time. Don’t rush these years. Don’t wish them away. These next several years may be some of the best of your lifetime. You will have new experiences, make lasting memories, and learn many lessons. Live each day to the fullest and don’t worry about tomorrow.

I am beyond proud to call you my son. You make each day fun by your many impressions, your talent of acting out scenes from your favorite movies, and your dance moves (that you clearly got from me!) I love you my Noah. You are and will always be…

My Sunshine.

Love, Mom.

Messy blessings,

Misty

I Did Not Sign Up for This

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I like a routine. I function at my best when I have a schedule of some sort. My house is more in order, the boys know what is coming next, and on the good days I don’t have to argue with my eight year old that it is shower night.

What I didn’t sign up for was having a schedule that is well..completely blown up. I am trying to navigate through e-learning. I enjoy watching the boys and how they learn and study, but there are some things that leave all of us pulling out our hair! A prime example is 3rd grade math where I find myself saying, “I know what the answer is, but I have no idea how or why you have to find it using that way!” I guess I’m old school.

I have given up trying to stick with a bedtime, and why should it matter anyway? I have no clue what day it is. It feels like a long and never ending weekend. A week(end) where we can’t go and do anything. We are limited to our home or taking a walk. Sounds great and sometimes it works, but have you ever tried getting a teenager to take a walk? I end up wanting to go on my own after that conversation.

It may sound like I am complaining, but stick with me here. There are so many people who are without work right now or laid off (my other half being one of them). There are people who are sick and those who have lost their lives. I hope and pray that healing comes quickly, and one day soon things in our world will get back to normal.

In the mean time, this is what I have learned.. it’s ok to not have a routine. There is freedom in not having control over every detail of your life. I have played more board and card games than I have since I was a child. Watching movies, camp ins in the living room, baking cakes (and eating every slice in 24 hours), video games, wrestling matches, and even science projects. If I had my normal routine, I’m not so sure these things would have happened. It has forced us to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life.

There is freedom in not having control over every detail of your life..

So although I didn’t sign up for this, I am incredibly thankful for the memories and blessings that have come from this. After all..

..some of the best memories can come from life’s most difficult challenges.

Messy blessings,

Misty