My goal, when starting this blog, was to post twice a week. This past week, however, no words came to my mind. I was on empty. I was depleted emotionally, mentally, and physically. I felt like I was drowning and no matter what I did…I just couldn’t get above water.
You would think, given what this blog is about, and with the online Bible study I lead, that I would turn to Jesus during this difficult time. I did not. I have a pretty good habit of turning away and going into my own bubble. A bubble where I do nothing. There were some days where I hardly ate, sleep was sporadic, and showering just took too much energy. I knew I had responsibilities that needed done, children and a husband to take care of, but I just couldn’t, and the guilt of that only added to the inner battle.
My husband, Jason, was concerned. He has been through this with me before, and not too many people know how bad my depression can be, or that I am even being treated for depression. He knows that the financial struggle we are going through is affecting me. It has never been a secret that I need to feel safe and secure. Friday, he started messaging me with scripture. I will admit, I was annoyed by it. I wanted nothing to do with it because I just didn’t see how that was going to help. I woke up this morning and re-read what he had sent……and it was like the fog had lifted.
These are the 2 scriptures he sent me:
Psalm 16:8 “I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”
Matthew 17:20 “He replied, Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
I decided to open up my study journal…that I had gotten behind on this week. One of the reflection questions asked:
“There is no doubt that our lives are filled with visible and invisible battles. Looking at Ephesians 6:10-13, how are we to prepare for these battles?”
The passage is titled “The Armor of God”, and what spoke to me more was actually verses 14-15
“Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with our feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.”
Although my current battle is difficult and will take patience and perseverance; the one thing I am reminded of, thanks to my husband and to God’s Word, is that the very thing I need to do is cling to Jesus and His Word. Put on the Armor of God, open my Bible, mediate on scripture until it is written on my heart. Pray fervently…this storm will pass and God is using it to change me for the better.
By His grace,
**The current study I am doing is through http://www.lovegodgreatly.com, and is titled “David, His Story is Our Story”
2 thoughts on “My Inner Battle”
Thank you for being human and once again being vulnerable. Life can be fun and easy and life can be a struggle and very difficult to endure. The world can be beautiful and at times all our eyes can see is grey and darkness. The simplest pleasures of life can become burdens.
Thank you for sharing once again that you face the same things that many do, to differing degrees we all face the days of darkness and depression. How we live through them, how we face them, what we use to move forward is the key. Allowing God to just simply put those wonderful arms around us and carry us through sometimes is all we can do. Letting others lift us in prayer when we can not do it ourselves sometimes is all we can do.
Psalm 139 has always been my strength and my go to. It reminds me that God knows me better than I know myself. What ever the day or the moment presents God is right there and will be what I need in the moment. God does not ask us to be strong at all times. To be positive and invincible. God asks us to be faithful and to trust in God’s presence in all things. Sometimes all we can do is let our heart, our soul cry out in pain. Sometimes all we can do is utter a quiet moan because we don’t have the energy to do more.
Words I have begun using in the last 8 months have been from Jesus on the cross – “Into your hands I commend my spirit.” With these words I have found peace and comfort and strength that have carried me through the difficult times of life.
May God’s peace give you comfort knowing you are not alone.
Thank you Pastor Jan. I always look forward to reading your comments! They also bring me comfort.