Is it? What about the moments that I don’t have a choice? What about the times when life happened, and I don’t know what I did wrong or if I could have changed things? I have no control over what others think, say, feel, or what actions they choose to do. I only have myself.

I am coming out of a very rough and heartbreaking season. I sit here at my computer, listening to Adele, and wanting to just scream. I want to step outside and fill my lungs with air…I want to feel like I can breathe. Breathe…I feel like I have been holding my breath for months. 

One would think, that as a Christian, I would be taking this time to cling to God; and there was a moment that I was doing just that. I am human though.  Recently, I have started to embrace the numbness. Plastering on that happy face and hiding behind the facade that I am okay. The reality….I have started to withdraw and I don’t know how to climb out of this season.

I have stopped contributing my own thoughts in my Bible study, I haven’t attended church since Christmas Day, I have stopped reaching out to friends, I have disengaged at home…the list seems endless. This could be rationalized that I am still in mourning. I went through a miscarriage that lasted much longer than what I was prepared for; and when I finally received the call that physically it was over…three days later I was at my father-in-laws bedside watching him on his journey Home. So, maybe I am in part.

I have spent a great deal, of my short life of 34 years, suppressing my true feelings. Yes, there have been times when it became too much of a burden and I let myself unleash. That is never pretty, and I end up hurting those I love. That is not who I want to be or do.

I tell myself that I have to be strong…don’t let them see your pain. You will look weak or crazy. I have found that by doing that, I come across as selfish or cold.

The REAL stuff,  is not seen on Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat… those are just flashes of happiness. I ask myself what would my social media look like if I was real…if we all were real. Not real in calling out those who have hurt us, bashing others faults, or spewing whatever comes to our minds…. Real that we look within our imperfect selves, our own faults, struggles, bad choices and reach out to others and say “I’ve been there, and I see your pain.”

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while there is still a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. -Matthew 7:4-5

Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. -1 Peter 3:8

Life can be hard and messy. Maybe the lesson for me, in this season, is finding that it is okay to be raw and vulnerable and to honestly say…. I am not okay.

By His grace,

Misty