The holidays were fast approaching, and I found myself struggling with how I was going to get through them. A big part of me didn’t want to host Thanksgiving this year, but I also wanted to spend time with my side of the family. A decision of who was hosting or where my family would go, wasn’t made until four days before the day of thanks. My children were a big part of why I decided to host my family again. The boys enjoy having a house full of people, and watching their daddy fix the turkey.

The day of, as I stood in the kitchen cutting potatoes, I became overwhelmed with tears. My mom would not be there, and I said softly to myself, “Mom, I don’t think I can do this without you.” As quickly as the tears came on, they vanished. I finished cutting the potatoes and had a peace within myself. Why?

Because I knew she was with me.

Memories flooded back throughout that afternoon, and in my mind I could see her smile and hear her voice. I am quite certain she was happy to see all of us together, and that she would want us to carry on with joy in our hearts and continue making memories.

It is our family tradition, the day after Thanksgiving, to go to our favorite Christmas tree farm and cut down our tree. It was a great day! The following day we got out our Christmas decorations, and I froze. I couldn’t decorate the tree. I didn’t want to. Although I made it through Thanksgiving seemingly ok, the start of the Christmas season felt like a nose dive. I sat on the couch, and watched my children decorate the entire Christmas tree.

So, how does one find joy when their heart is broken, and they miss their loved one deeply?

First, let’s take a look at Paul…

May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace. Philipians 1:2

The Apostle Paul wrote the letter to the Philipians, while he was imprisoned for spreading the news of our Lord Jesus. How can one write a letter or book about joy as they sit in a prison cell? Because the joy Paul speaks of, and the joy I know, isn’t found in things of this world, it is found through Jesus.

Seems simple enough, but grief is a strange thing. The five stages of grief* are:

• Denial– Life no longer makes sense. We only accept the thoughts and emotions we can handle at that time.
• Anger– Feel it, because it is necessary. This is the time where I became very angry at God. Anger is an emotion that I know well, and it felt good to actually feel something after coming out of denial. The thing with anger, is there is usually an underlining reason for it, and in the case of loss, it is pain. Our anger shows us just how much we loved that person.
• Bargaining– The “what if” game. I try to not let my mind go there. I know it won’t change the out come, there was nothing I could do, and I end up having sleepless nights filled with anger.
• Depression– “The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.*”
• Acceptance– This does not mean that I am ok. I don’t think I will ever be the person I was before I lost my mom. Acceptance is accepting the new reality of life without her. Finding my place in this new family dynamic, creating new memories, and continuing to live. I have more good days than bad.

These stages are not a check off list. They overlap one another, and sometimes I think I have moved on, only to be found back in anger or depression. That is what happened the day of decorating our Christmas tree.

My relationship with God has changed. I was angry towards Him for awhile. I didn’t understand why mom was diagnosed with such a rare and devastating form of cancer. I questioned His goodness, and why He chose to save others but not her. Now, those intense feelings towards Him have passed, and I know God did not give my mom cancer. We live in a fallen world, and when He created it, it was perfect and good. Cancer did not exist, but when sin entered the world, we all became broken. Could God have placed His hand on mom and saved her? Yes, but His answer was no. I don’t understand the why’s, but I am not meant to. In Isaiah 55: 8-9, it says,

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, says the Lord. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

It has been in reading this truth over and over, that has helped me find my joy this holiday season. Whatever happens (in my life), rejoice in the Lord (Philipians 3:1). Instead of finding peace and comfort through things in this world, seek Jesus, and allow the Prince of Peace to settle in your heart.

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philipians 4:4-7

Merry Christmas…

By His grace,

Misty

*information by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Dave Kessler at https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

My last post was in March, and there are reasons for that…..those reasons are summed up in these nine pictures. The nine pictures that have shaped 2017, and have caused me to sit here, on New Years Eve, and wonder what changes are before me in 2018.

This past year has brought great loss. The hope of adding to our family was lost on New Years Day 2017; and shortly there after, I lost my father-in-law. This past Summer, our beloved fur baby, Bennett, had to be put down due to his progressive cancer. The hits didn’t stop there…. I also had to end friendships and relationships that had grown toxic. I have had other relationships that have suffered a great deal with trust and uncertainty.

Life lesson of 2017:  No matter how flat you make a pancake, there are always two sides. Best to hear both sides before making a decision.

In the midst of all of that, my oldest son suffered a seizure and was diagnosed with epilepsy. We had to adjust to a new medication and a change in sports…. although I think for Noah, giving up football was harder than taking daily medication…(for his momma too!)

Medical bills, vehicle and home repairs have all mounted up.  My husband quit his part time job to be home more, and we decided to continue with me staying home. Sure, we have had help from family and friends; and yes, we have heard the gossip about how I need to get a job and shouldn’t be receiving help from others. While I would be lying if I said those comments didn’t hurt, the fact remains that I do have a job….it just doesn’t pay me in cash. We have fallen on hard times, just like everyone else I know has at some point or another.

Life lesson of 2017:  It is better to choose love, instead of casting judgement. It’s not your place to judge….period.

Although, the year had many lows, there were some definite positives too! Our family was introduced to a new sport….. SOCCER. Noah played Spring and Fall travel soccer, and LOVED it. It brought joy seeing him fall in love with another sport. Noah also had hist first year at playing basketball, both for his school and a travel league. Nathan played baseball this past Spring, and as it turns out, he’s a little slugger. He also played soccer this Fall. Our family also started a new tradition, and attended our first Indians game on July 4th.

I have also spent more time with my grandma this past year. Her health is declining, and we have experienced some scary moments, but I still get to hear her say I love you and put my arms around her.

I placed a family photo, taken at church on Christmas Eve, in the middle of the collage because it represents so many things.

• I finally made it back to church. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to church this past year.
• It shows my family, that despite what life has thrown at us this past year, we are still standing.
• It shows change… 

I can’t predict what changes will continue to come in 2018. I know that all the events of 2017 have molded and shaped me into a different person. I have learned from these experiences and know that some things will just never be the same. I have work to do on myself.

The one thing I will always have is HOPE. I almost let that go this past year. I am incredibly thankful for those who refused to allow me to give up. You have helped me during moments that seemed terribly dark. I thank you for that.  Your love and support helped remind me that going forward, I will trust in Him… and rest in His love, mercy, and grace.

Come what may 2018…..

By His grace,

Misty

I can’t help but just stare. I stare at it and feel excitement, joy, stress, and slightly conflicted.  I am staring at my calendar……and it is only March.

Spring helps shed the Winter blues, and it gets my family out of the house for some fresh air!! We start to become physically active again (Lord knows I need some exercise) and start to plan family vacations and celebrations. We are entering the season of busyness for the Lee family. This year seems to have gotten even crazier….

I will be learning how to be at two places at the same time. March is filled with basketball clinics, football conditioning, soccer practices, after school activities, and we will soon be adding baseball to the mix. I now know why my husband was so adamant about getting a mini van….. because we will be basically living in it through the Fall! (Yes, I said Fall…4H, VBS, church camp, sports camps, football….)

I am excited though. My oldest is trying a new sport that he has shown great interest in playing. Although, it was a little tense the last few weeks with dad accepting he wasn’t playing baseball 🙂 Our youngest can’t wait for baseball to start and is excited for his basketball clinics coming up. I find great joy in watching my children learn, try new things, and have fun.

I am stressed. My husband works two jobs, so the majority of this rests on me. I see where we are choosing to give up most of our evenings and weekends for sports and other activities and it leads me to why I am conflicted…

I ask myself, “Are we making time to practice our faith? Are we teaching by example that the Lord comes first…even before kickoff?”

I have been guilty of judging those who miss church or leave early due to sports. Who don’t have time for small groups because they have so many practices. Churches as a whole are seeing a decline in young adult/young families. Church has been replaced with….(insert current sport.) Now here I am saying…. I totally get it. I am now the parent having to choose and create room.  I want to stand up and say “If enough parents start saying no to sports on Sundays  then maybe things will change!” However, that is just not the reality.

I believe that God just wants a relationship with us. He wants us to put Him first in all things. So what does that look like for a sports parent? Maybe it looks like….

• Family devotions before or on the way to a game
• Leaving a little bit early to attend a church service in the town you are traveling to
• Hosting your own small group
• It might even mean saying no to a game

Like everything else in life, things change. Sundays are no longer set aside for church and family. So, I will leave you with these questions:

What does it look like to put God first? Do we have to sit in a pew every Sunday to make the cut?

By His grace,

Misty