Chapter 7: The First Vacation

Well.. I started off with the best of intentions. I prepared all my meals before hand, brought all the necessities for success, and then… went off plan.

I will fully admit that I chose to partake in food that was off plan. All of which were desserts. I did eat my four small meals but started to replace one or two with dessert. I did stay on plan with my lean and greens, even when we dined out. So I guess there were some wins and some losses.

I wish I could say that I felt great, but I didn’t. My body paid the price. I am currently bloated, swollen, and have had a dull headache. My body had adjusted to what I had been eating and it does not like what I have consumed. I have been eating low glycemic foods and very few carbs. I’m pretty sure pineapple upside down cake, banana cake, and strawberry milkshakes do not fall into that category.

That is where I am at physically but where am I now mentally?

I’m slightly disappointed in myself, but I’m also ready and excited to get back on track. I’m not being nonchalant about the food choices I made. I definitely could have done better but also could have done much worse. I am human after all. I think if I went completely off plan in every way, then maybe my attitude would be different, but I didn’t.

Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Michael Jordan

My next step is to sit down and think about what I could do differently next time. I can’t count on will power alone to help, I tried that and clearly it didn’t work out well for me. The biggest thing that stands out to me is that I ate based on an immediate want and feeling. Such as, “That looks incredible and I know it tastes delicious! It won’t hurt to just have one slice.” Instead on acting immediately, I need to stop and probably even walk away. Give myself time to challenge and think about what I should do versus what I want to do (which is eat the cake!). I would guess stopping to actually consider the consequences in conjunction with my will power will help me choose the right decision. This is a tool I have been taught but haven’t really put into action…well at least remain consistent in doing. Stop Challenge and Choose. It time for me to get to work, remain consistent, and keep my eye on the goal.This set back will not hold me back.

I have learned from this vacation that this journey isn’t about being perfect. It is about learning, growing, and working to better myself. I know that my life is changing, and I’m confident that my smile says it all.

Messy blessings,


Stepping Out Through Anxiety

I never knew why I would want to break plans last minute. I could have had these plans for a few days, weeks, or even months. It really didn’t matter. I would come up with a lame excuse or have a legitimate reason and feel relieved that I could cancel. It wasn’t because I was a recluse but it ran deeper than that. I have anxiety. So when I have plans with others, this is what my internal dialogue looks like:

I can’t go because they are prettier and in better shape than me. Everyone will look at me as the fat friend who let herself go.

I can’t go because they have their lives all together and mine has been a hot mess the last few years.

I can’t go because I’m the outsider and they are so much closer to one another.

I can’t go because they probably talk about me when I go to the restroom.

I can’t go because they are judging me, my choices, and they don’t trust me.

These are excuses that go on repeat leading up to the plans. The thing is, I doubt any of them are true, but I work myself up that my heart races, breathing quickens, and my stomach hurts. So..I cancel. I would rather stay home then put myself in that position..position being the made up lies I have been telling myself.

As a result, it actually makes it worse. I then start to think that they won’t want to be my friends because I always cancel or I’m not a good friend. In reality, I want nothing more than to have that connection, but the anxiety paralysis me, and I just can’t go. It is hard for those who don’t have anxiety to fully understand (or they do understand and my mind is trying to convince me they don’t. It’s a vicious cycle!).

This past week I was invited to go to dinner with some friends that I haven’t seen in awhile. I was thrilled that I got an invite because I had missed them. I was fine until the day of and the above dialogue started to torment me. By that afternoon, I was ready to cancel. I had a legitimate reason that I could, but I knew the real reason was because of my anxiety. I had a choice to make. Either I let my anxiety win or step out through my anxiety. I chose to step through.

I was no longer going to give my anxiety the power to prevent me from having connection with others. I desired to feel connected, and friendship provides a beautiful relationship that helps a person thrive.

Living By Grace

Stepping through my anxiety gave me a fun and entertaining night to say the least. Not once did those negative thoughts creep into my mind. I embraced the friendships I had with those ladies and allowed myself to have some fun and reconnect. Reconnect with those I love dearly and with myself. I was no longer going to give my anxiety the power to prevent me from having connection with others. I desired to feel connected, and friendship provides a beautiful relationship that helps a person thrive.

If you have anxiety and yearn to feel connected again, I encourage you to step out through that anxiety and seize the moment. You may not always be able to, but the moments you do will be incredibly worth it!


Chapter 6: The First 20

This last pound seemed to take forever, but I finally did it and reached a goal. I have lost twenty pounds!

I think it is time to be even more vulnerable now that I am feeling better about myself and this journey. The one thing I have yet to share is what my goal weight is and how much I need to lose. I will be honest and say that I haven’t shared because I wasn’t so sure this program would work. I have tried so many and I was skeptical. I had seen some amazing results from people I know, but my goal number seemed unreachable. So here it is…

My goal weight is 130 pounds. That will get me in the healthy BMI (body mass index) range for my height. The total weight I needed to lose when I started was the same number..130 pounds. So add those two numbers together and you get..260 pounds. Yes, my starting weight was 260 pounds.

Now, the last 2 weeks I have been pretty tough on myself. Like I said earlier, this last pound seemed to have taken forever to drop. I even thought briefly about throwing in the towel. My fiance was my cheerleader during this time. He told me to stop thinking that way and look at what else is happening. My clothes were fitting much looser. I had just bought a size down in jeans and now probably going to have to buy another size down. He thought it would also be a good idea to start walking now that the weather was nicer, and that is exactly what I did.

I didn’t walk much in the past. My lower back and feet would start to hurt shortly into the walk. I would get out of breath and start to sweat. It wasn’t enjoyable for me and I felt like everyone that drove by was looking at the fat girl who was struggling. This time was much different. My energy was incredible, my back and feet never hurt, I wasn’t winded, and by the end of it, I felt amazing. So the next day, I did it again. I took my dog and walked even further. So far, I have walked every (nice) day.

I realized I had a choice when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw the red number 239. I could choose a negative attitude like, “ugh…I still have 120 pounds to go..this is impossible” or “I did it. I reached my 20 pound goal. I only have 120 pounds to go!” I chose the latter of the two. My mentality is changing with this journey. Although I had some difficult days, I didn’t quit. I persevered and kept moving forward. This journey is a complete lifestyle change for me. Not just in the food I eat, but also my mental and emotional health.

I got this. Nothing is going to hold me back!

Messy blessings,


“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” – Galatians 6:9