Call this a follow up to a previous blog, an apology post, or my therapy session; it doesn’t really matter at this point, I just need to write about it.
You may recall my post, “Are Parents the New Goliath of Youth Sports?”, if not, then you may want to read it before this one. Why? Because I feel like I had the Goliath moment, and I am not proud of it.
So here comes the story that makes me human, who isn’t perfect, in need of forgiveness, and is asking for just that…..
Our last game of the season had just ended; and like every other game, the team meets with the coaches for final thoughts. I was all smiles in that moment. We had lost, but the last two games our boys had played were the best of the entire season. These kids had played their hearts out. I was proud of each of them and was taking some last minute pictures of the team as they took a knee.
The team and coaches finally broke apart and the kids started to disperse to their parents. A few parents offered handshakes to the coaches; this was a nice moment. This season had been difficult as a parent and coach’s wife. It wasn’t because of our record or any of the kids… it was difficult because of a few parents. I had prided myself on holding my tongue the last four months because that was a huge accomplishment for me. I have always struggled with keeping my emotions in check! I also refused to stoop to that level…or did.
Here comes the ugly part….
As I was standing there, waiting on my husband and two boys, and watching the handshakes; a parent took that moment to confront one of the coaches about something I was unaware had taken place during the game. All I saw, was my two sons standing there, and the coach being confronted, who was holding his own child. I truly had the best intentions. I asked them to stop it… to just stop. That there were kids around and if they need to talk to a coach to take it some place away from the kids. I even said ‘shame on all you adults’. Well….lets just say I was then the target. I stooped to their level and lost my cool. I called the family a name and said that they should move on from the program. Words were exchanged, two men actually postured up to me, and my husband had to step in between only to be threatened.
I broke on the ride home….not because of what a few people said to me; but because how I responded was wrong and my children and other families witnessed it all. I have taught my children the importance of respect, kindness, extending grace and forgiveness, and keeping anger in check.
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. -Proverbs 29:11
Although my intentions were good, I allowed my anger to speak for me… four months worth, in fact. As I let the sobs out, my oldest reached forward from the backseat and put his arms around me. I apologized to him. I told him I was sorry for what I had said and what he had witnessed, and I asked for his forgiveness. My nine year old, who is wise beyond his years, said
“Mommy, I forgive you. You did the right thing. You saw someone being bullied and wanted to protect them. I am not going to let you go mommy.”
I was overwhelmed in that moment. Later, I spoke to my son again, and explained that even when standing up for someone, you must not give into your anger.
This morning I woke up to my inner negative dialog. The one telling me that I’m not worthy…look at what you did…you should be ashamed. Normally, I would grab a blanket and a bag of chips, and allow those lies to wash over me the entire day. I asked myself, ‘Can I get a do over?’ That’s when I realized, I can.
I went to my Holy Father. I actually humbled myself before the Lord and knelt down with my head in my hands. I asked for His forgiveness, I forgave those involved, and I prayed that they would find it in their hearts to forgive me. The weight lifted and I felt the sense of warmth surround me…almost like a hug.
My do over happened the moment God allowed me another day. Another day to do better.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. -James 4:10
By His grace,