Chapter 9: Not the Update I Expected

Vulnerability and transparency post…

..I have been going off plan.

It’s like I hit my 25 pound goal and thought, ‘Hey, I can do this and have that banana cream twister. It won’t matter that much.’ Wrong people!! Wrong, wrong wrong. Instead, it had me craving more unhealthy foods and I would sneak in a piece of candy here or a few fries there. The consequences? I have gained two pounds, headaches, and fatigue. Two pounds may not seem like a big deal, but let me tell you, those 2 pounds seemed to take forever to come off; and now I have to do it again.

I don’t want to say that I “cheated” on my “diet” because I don’t see this as a diet. I see it as an overall lifestyle change to good health. It is a journey, has now become my mantra. My goal is to hunker down and focus solely on my nutrition. I need to get back into that healthy mindset of fueling my body the correct way and remembering how I feel physically and mentally versus how I feel when I go off plan.

Life on this journey has had its ups and downs, and I have had some positives during this set back. One, I am still in my size 16s, and second, I was able to play some soccer with my youngest. This was one of my biggest motivators to get healthy. My two boys are very active and I wanted to be able to be active with them. It was a great day passing the soccer ball back and forth, and spending some quality time in doing so.

I started writing the above paragraphs a few days ago, and since that time I have had more obstacles on my journey. The major one is having to take a step back from following the program as far as ordering goes, and I am so disappointed. We have had a few things financially come up, one being talk of lay off at my fiancee’s work, that has left me having to cut the budget somewhere. Unfortunately, this was it. I worked so hard over these last three months and I am concerned about maintaining and continue to lose the weight.

My game plan is to still focus on my nutrition. I went to the grocery store today and purchased basically just food for me at a whopping $100 (for me, that is crazy since that is what I usually spend to feed four people a week). I was giving myself a pat on the back for actually purchasing food with good nutrition and then was left slightly discouraged on how to make that grocery bill fit in my budget. Why in the world is good and healthy food so expensive? And we really wonder why obesity is so prominent in the U.S.?? This is probably for another post so I will now step off my soap box…

The fact of the matter is that I’m not going back. I can’t go back. My health is way too important and my children having a healthy mom is way too important to give up now. I have been reading a book titled, “It’s Okay To Not Be Okay” by Sheila Walsh. She had a great quote that says,

The thing that will keep us strong and help us move forward is knowing that Christ is with us and for us, and the hope we have in Him ultimately will not disappoint.

Sheila Walsh

I fully believe that God is a part of putting me on this path, and I remain firm in the belief that it will be through His strength that I will press on into this journey and will come out a healthier and happier woman for it. I simply will not be able to do this without Him. My will power can only go so far, and then I must rely on Him to see me through this adventure.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13

Living by grace,


Chapter 6: The First 20

This last pound seemed to take forever, but I finally did it and reached a goal. I have lost twenty pounds!

I think it is time to be even more vulnerable now that I am feeling better about myself and this journey. The one thing I have yet to share is what my goal weight is and how much I need to lose. I will be honest and say that I haven’t shared because I wasn’t so sure this program would work. I have tried so many and I was skeptical. I had seen some amazing results from people I know, but my goal number seemed unreachable. So here it is…

My goal weight is 130 pounds. That will get me in the healthy BMI (body mass index) range for my height. The total weight I needed to lose when I started was the same number..130 pounds. So add those two numbers together and you get..260 pounds. Yes, my starting weight was 260 pounds.

Now, the last 2 weeks I have been pretty tough on myself. Like I said earlier, this last pound seemed to have taken forever to drop. I even thought briefly about throwing in the towel. My fiance was my cheerleader during this time. He told me to stop thinking that way and look at what else is happening. My clothes were fitting much looser. I had just bought a size down in jeans and now probably going to have to buy another size down. He thought it would also be a good idea to start walking now that the weather was nicer, and that is exactly what I did.

I didn’t walk much in the past. My lower back and feet would start to hurt shortly into the walk. I would get out of breath and start to sweat. It wasn’t enjoyable for me and I felt like everyone that drove by was looking at the fat girl who was struggling. This time was much different. My energy was incredible, my back and feet never hurt, I wasn’t winded, and by the end of it, I felt amazing. So the next day, I did it again. I took my dog and walked even further. So far, I have walked every (nice) day.

I realized I had a choice when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw the red number 239. I could choose a negative attitude like, “ugh…I still have 120 pounds to go..this is impossible” or “I did it. I reached my 20 pound goal. I only have 120 pounds to go!” I chose the latter of the two. My mentality is changing with this journey. Although I had some difficult days, I didn’t quit. I persevered and kept moving forward. This journey is a complete lifestyle change for me. Not just in the food I eat, but also my mental and emotional health.

I got this. Nothing is going to hold me back!

Messy blessings,


“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” – Galatians 6:9

Chapter 4: Change Is the Only Constant

Heraclitus said that “Change is the only constant.” Meaning change is the only thing we can be sure will happen. I have found this to be very true in my journey.

Change in food, behaviors, habits, appearance, portion size, and so on. I’m not complaining though. If anything, I have embraced it!

Change is the only thing we can be sure will happen.

I have even found joy in becoming a healthier version of myself. Yes, it is hard and sometimes I veer off plan, but each choice after that is a new choice! I also am starting to see results.

I stare at these pictures and I am reminded of how thankful I should be. I struggle with giving thanks. Small things I overlook giving credit to God. However, looking at these photos bring to mind this scripture:

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

Isaiah 43:19

I am reminded by this scripture that my Heavenly Father knows me. He knows my inner most being. He knows my thoughts and what is truly in my heart. He knows the struggles I face and the temptations that plague me. It is in this scripture and the above photos where I see God’s hand in my journey. I have struggled with my weight for nine years. I have had to overcome many hardships in my life during this time and I used food to comfort me. God put this opportunity in front of me and I chose to follow. He is making me new in a different way now, and for that I am so incredibly thankful!

Lord, you have examined me and you know me. You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts. You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions. Even before I speak, you already now what I will say. You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding.

Psalm 139:1-6 NLT

I mentioned how I have moments where I veer off plan. I still struggle on certain days. I am still trying to overcome my poor habit of binge eating in the evenings. It isn’t a nightly occurrence, and I am aware of what triggers this behavior (which is an accomplishment in itself!). Maybe you can relate? Boredom, stress, and staying up late are what trigger me. I tell myself I am hungry. Let me repeat that… I tell myself I am hungry. My body isn’t telling me, but my mind. If I were to listen to my body, it would tell me drink more water, lets get up and move, or simply time for bed. Listening to my body versus my mind is a big component of this weight loss journey.

Today I feel hungrier than I should. I am guessing I kicked myself out of fat burn because of my binge, but that is ok. Why? Because today is a new day and I am choosing to make better choices. That is progress.. that is a change from who I was when I started this journey, to who I am today, and who I will become.

Because change.. is the only constant in life.

Messy Blessings,