Chapter 5: I Am Okay..But Not Really

Lets start with a question: How many of you have things going well in your life but still feel empty?

I have many blessings in my life. I’m working hard on my health and losing weight and inches, planning my wedding, my children are healthy and doing well in school, there has been healing in family relationships, and so much more. Here I am though, despite all those blessings, feeling numb on the inside. I am tired and worn down. I am having trouble concentrating and when someone is talking to me, it sounds like the adult in Charlie Brown..just noise. I am distracted by my mind. It is on overdrive and is also affecting my sleep.

This isn’t new to me. I have been living with mental illness for some time, but this depression episode is really getting me low. I am taking a hit to my self-esteem and confidence. I am starting to question my health journey. Questions like, “Why am I not losing as quickly as her?”, “Can I really reach my goal weight?”, “Why am I not good enough and disciplined enough to stay on plan?”, “Don’t I want this?” .

Next is the self-criticism as a mother. My mind is in such a chaotic state, that I am having trouble listening to my children. I am thankful that they both share things with me, but right now I can honestly say that I couldn’t repeat what they have told me. I look them in the eyes, I stop what I’m doing to give them my full attention, and yet I can’t retain what they are saying.

I just want my mind to rest. I need some peace. I need to feel something again.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me–watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:28-30 (Msg)

I just recently started getting some form of exercise in by walking. It helps clear my head and gives me that feel good sensation, but it is short lived. Once I come down from that high, the numbness starts to creep back inside. I came upon the above verse today and was what I call, “God-smacked”. I hadn’t sought out God to be the one to give me rest. I didn’t hand over my burden to Him and allow Him to carry it.

We forget that don’t we? We forget that we have a Heavenly Father who is just waiting for us to come to Him and throw our worries, troubles, depression, and anxiety at His feet. “Come with me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.” How comforting that is to me right now.

Self-doubt can cripple us. It can shut down the momentum in our goals and we begin to believe the lie that our goals are unreachable.

Living by Grace

Self-doubt can cripple us. It can shut down the momentum in our goals and we begin to believe the lie that our goals are unreachable. But God, tells us how to combat this:

  • We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5
  • “Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.” Philippians 4:6-8
  • “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” Mark 11:22-24

So although it seems dark right now, I know that God will help me fight through the lows, strengthen me to reach my goals, and not allow me to fail.

God is within her, she will not fall.— Psalm 46:5

Misty

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